To be in my body right now
a conversation with my white husband
This is inspired by Angela Garbes substack post, “Four Heated Discussions I’ve had with My White Husband Since November 8, 2016”. Go read it now.
I read this substack the morning after a heated discussion with my own white husband about how terrified I am of having a second child while living in a state with a 6 week abortion ban. I sobbed as I told him how afraid I am of not being listened to or taken seriously, of something going wrong and not being able to access the necessary treatment, and of dying.
I had been pushing these fears to the back of my mind for a while, but then Trump won the election and they just came rushing out of me.
My fears are based in the reality of the state and country we live in, but I also know that they are somewhat irrational in that I am extremely privileged, especially when it comes to medical care, because my husband is a doctor at a prestigious hospital. We have access to quality care that most people in my state do not. We have the knowledge and education to be able to advocate for ourselves effectively and, thanks to be husband’s job, I know we’ll be listened to and respected. It is an enormous privilege.
All of that can be true, but that doesn’t change the truth that I feel in to my core — that this country hates women. That women’s bodies are treated as merely vessels. That people with my skin color are targeted for mistreatment, harassment, and violence. That this country does not want me here. That if I enter a doctor’s office without my husband, I need to be on my best behavior.
As an advocate, I want to move towards collective action and community building and fighting for the most vulnerable. I want to sit here after the election and say, no matter what I will keep fighting.
But as a Latina woman, as a mother, as the daughter of an immigrant, as someone who lives in a state that is depriving people like me of basic human rights, I’m not ready to say any of that yet.
I’m too scared. It’s too personal. There is fear in my body that I need to give space to.
I did not realize until this moment how unsafe this all would make me feel.
“We can move. If you want to move, we can move,” my husband said, and I realized that was what I needed to hear. I needed him to validate my feelings, not just by saying the right thing, but by taking this seriously — that even though he will never know what it feels like to live in my body, I needed to hear that he trusts and listens to me when I say I don’t feel safe.
“My doctors had to balance what was best for me at the moment with when it was classified as being legal. This is a place no doctor should have to be in, and this is a situation I don't want any other person ever to have to go through.” Avery Davis Bell details being delayed care for her miscarriage because of Georgia’s strict abortion laws.